She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize