I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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