i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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