I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize