did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
