Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My Higher Power is John Stamos
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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