I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize