It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
