I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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