I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
