i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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