Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
