Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
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