Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
