im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
