I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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