you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
