He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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