soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
