I think my fart just growled at me.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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