i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
