Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
