Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
