Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'm both gender and math confused
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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