It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
