I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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