His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
