I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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