ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
