the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
