Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
you will always have a special place in my vag
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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