After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
if only i could text you this smell
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize