you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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