took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
