God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Randomize
