My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
