I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize