I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
