someone threw a dead crab at me
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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