i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
