What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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