if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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