I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
