you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Randomize
