he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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