There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
