I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I just found puke in my bra..
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
