Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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