we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
