I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
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