I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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