Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
