If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
