Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
