You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
