Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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